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Always buy a bigger bottle than you think you will need. Better to be safe than sober.
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Taylor Swift has written 500 songs about men leaving her, but not one song about blowjobs. Just sayin'.
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"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time." Steve Wright
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No Working During Drinking Hours
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If organised crime brings in billion’s of dollars every year, why don't we let them run the government?
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"Go to bed, you'll feel better in the morning" is the human version of "Did you turn it off and turn it back on again?"
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The sinking of the Titanic must have been a miracle to the lobsters in the kitchen.
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Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you.
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The person who would proof read Hitler's speeches was literally a grammar Nazi.
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“Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how drunk you get.” — Homer J. Simpson
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Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the colour 9
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Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
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No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
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Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
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Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
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Punctuality is a waste of time.
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Looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between “shit” and “syphilis”.
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If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
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If you could choose between world peace & Bill Gates' money..............
...............what colour would your Lamborghini be?
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If women are so perfect at multi-tasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?
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My lowest expectation is perfection.
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Someone should invent an alarm clock that automatically reports you sick when you've pressed snooze 3 times...
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I distrust camels.... and anyone else who can go a week without drinking.
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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
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Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the special olympics?
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"Iron Man" is a Super Hero.
"Iron Woman" is a command.
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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
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Sex is like air............ it's only important when you aren't getting any!
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17th March 2007: My New Years Resolution is to start making decisions a lot quicker.
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A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
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Don't Drink and Drive. You might hit a bump and spill some.
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Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to look at a chicken and say, 'I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
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I never finish anythi
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A good discussion is like a miniskirt; Short enough to retain interest and long enough to cover the subject.
A miniskirt is like a barbed fence; It protects the premises without restricting the view!
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Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
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Advice for Bomb Disposal Experts Wives:-
    Keep your husband on his toes by packing his lunch-box with plasticine and an old alarm clock..
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People who drink American beer don't really like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
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I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra
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You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.      --Dean Martin
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Beer is the reason I get up every afternoon.
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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Finish your beer.... there are sober people in India
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1 Tray = 24 Beers, 1 Day = 24 Hours. Coincidence?  I think not.