My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”                                                                                                                                                                                                I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!” 

The first trains were often derailed. They had a bad track record. 

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window.                                                                                                              "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.                                                                                                                                    Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?" 

Dave wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box for an interview.    The inspector asks "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?" Dave says "I would switch the points for one of the trains".                                                                                                  "What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.                                                                                                                              "Then I'd dash down out of the signal box" said Dave "and I'd use the manual lever over there".                                          "What if that had been struck by lightning?"                                                                                                                            "Then" Dave continues "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box".                                                          "What if the phone was engaged?"                                                                                                                                              "Well in that case" persevered Dave "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there".                                                                                                                                                                        "What if that was vandalised?"                                                                                                                                                        "Oh well then I'd run into the village and get Nev".                                                                                                                      This puzzles the inspector, so he asks "Why would you do that?"                                                                                        "Because he's always wanted to see a train crash".

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.                                                                                                            The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”                                      The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”                                                                                                                                                                              The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”                                                                                                                                                                                            The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”


Once we had Empires ruled by Emperors.                                                                                                                                  Then we had Kingdoms ruled by Kings.                                                                                                                                      Now we have countries ruled by … 


Math Teacher:  "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"                                          Student:  "A drinking problem." 


I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night. They were called "Bomb Jovi". They were brilliant. Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down. Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD. I was interested so I asked him "Can you burn me a copy?" Well that was when the trouble started…

I went to a Muslim birthday party the other day. It was great fun, we blew up a bouncy castle and then had a really intense game of pass the parcel.

After feeling a bit suicidal I called the Islamic Samaritans earlier today. They seemed really nice and even offered to give me flying lessons free of charge.

I just bought a new Muslim calculator. It multiplies then explodes!

If you get on a plane these days you're not allowed to take shampoo, deodorant, toothpaste, liquid soap, etc. And I'm thinking, "Aren't they the very things a Muslim wouldn't be carrying anyway?"

A Muslim woman knocked on my front door last night – I spoke to her through the letterbox………… See how she f#*king likes it!

BREAKING NEWS……Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford, killing anyone who’s English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.

If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15. Did you make a prophet?

There's a very sad Muslim kid, standing alone in Marks & Spencer and crying because he can't find his mother. A kind store attendant bends over and asks, "Honey, it's going to be alright. We'll find your mom. Tell me, what does your mother look like?"                                                                                                                                                                              The kid replied, "I have no f@#king idea."


Grandma’s birth control pills

The doctor that had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next
check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As
the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realised she had a prescription for
birth control pills.
“Mrs Smith, do you realise these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?”
“Yes, they help me sleep at night”
“Mrs Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!”
She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee. “Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind
one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks ….. and believe me,
it helps me sleep at night.”


Have you ever wondered how yodelling began?
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly
approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could
spend the night. The farmer told him he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer’s daughter asked the father, “Who is that man going into the barn?”
“That fellow is travelling through,” said the farmer “and needs a place to stay for the night, so I told him he
could sleep in the barn.”
The daughter said “Perhaps he is hungry.” So she prepared him a plate of food and then took it to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned, her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to
bed she went.
The farmer’s wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched
a bottle of wine, took it to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew and her
blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer
as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor had gone, she broke into tears. “How could he leave
without even saying goodbye,” she cried. “We made such passionate love last night.”
“What?” shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was
halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him “I’m going to get you. You had sex with my daughter.”
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth and yelled out …


There were two fish sitting in a tank. With a puzzled look on his face, one fish turned to the other and asked: "Any idea on how to drive this thing?"


This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth".                                                                                                                                                                    The woman then says "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"                                                                       To which the dentist replies "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair".

                               =/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=                                                                                                                         A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was. I replied "Dude, it's 2017, you can use any printer you want".

                           =/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=                                                                                                                  Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"                                                                                                                                                                                                                               His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?'... and she's always sound asleep".

                             =/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=                                                                                                        The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day. "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"                                                                                                        "I'm in love" replied Little Johnny.                                                                                                                                                          Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked "With whom?"                                                                                                 "With you!" he said.                                                                                                                                                                                                "But Little Johnny" said the teacher gently "don't you see how silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child".                                                                                                                                                                "Oh, don't worry" said Little Johnny reassuringly "I'll use a rubber!"

                           =/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=                                                                                                               A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich".                                                                                                                                                                                     The Madam says "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf".                              The trucker says "I'm not horny, I'm homesick".

                           =/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=                                                                                              Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"                                                                                                    Old Man: "Honesty!"                                                                                                                                                                                          Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness".                                                                                                Old Man: "I don't give a f#*k what you think".


An out of work, attractive blonde, wanted to earn a honest living, and she hit upon the idea of house painting, as a good way to solve her financial problems. So determined, she set out door knocking, in a well to do suburb, at a very nice house a man answered the door and asked, “What do you want?”, and she replied, “I’m a painter, can I offer you my services for painting your house?” The man looked around and said, how much would you charge to paint my porch, she replied, “$75”. He replied, “That sounds great, the paint and  brushes are in the garage,” She said “I’ll get started now, if that’s OK” and went off to the garage.

The man closed the front door and went back into the kitchen, his wife said, “Who was that?” He replied, “A nice young lady who going to paint our porch for $75”, his wife replied, “That’s remarkably cheap!”

A short time passed and there was a knock on the door, the man went to the door, and asked was there a problem, the girl replied, “No, I’ve done a good job and I put two coats on it” he replied, “That’s remarkably quick!” The girl said, “Not really, but you can’t spell, it’s a Ferrari not a Porsche,

From the kitchen his wife said, “I told you, it was too cheap to paint the porch!”


A salesman is driving toward home when he sees a guy thumbing for a ride on the side of the road. As the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the hitchhiker gets in.
After a bit of small talk, the hitchhiker notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in the bag?", the hitchhiker asks.
"It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife." says the salesman.
The hitchhiker is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade."

The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.
"Oh dear" said the Queen "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that".
"It's quite understandable" said the Archbishop, and after a moment, added "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse".

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
HIM: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
HER: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
HIM: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
HER: "No way. It's just too risky!"
HIM: "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
HER: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
HIM: "Oh, yes you can. Please?"
HER: "No, no. I just can't"
HIM: "I'm begging you…"
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for goodness sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom…"

A true story from when Hey Baby first started in sales. The manager says "Do you have any sales experience?" Hey Baby said no, but he was keen to learn.
Well, the boss liked HB so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did".
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
HB says "One".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
HB says "$101,237.64".
The boss says "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
HB says "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer".
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
HB says "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekends fucked, you might as well go fishing.'"

I saw a ballet teacher yesterday and asked her if she could teach me to do the splits. she said how flexible are you?
I can't do Tuesdays
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'"
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our
golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''
'I don't remember much after that'
A Scot was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical
Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks ... like I said - my boy's a typical Highland baby boy."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that
typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks, so how much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig from his Johnny Walker Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
God Bless The Scots!
When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a 
good memory. I am not able to remember, what did I choose.
My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don't and stop, unless they are used together.
Panties are not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
There are three stages to sex in a person's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
What's an Australian kiss?
The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and She was happy with the Thing......
What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Of course you've heard about the Viagra! computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.
Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives !!!.
A hash house harrier was sitting reading his newspaper when his wife hit him round the head
with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the harrier asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in
your pocket'..
The harrier then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet
on', the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the harrier is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an
even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the harrier asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse just phoned'
A hash house harrier is stopped by the police in the early hours of the morning, they asked
where he was going.
“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol abuse on the human body” He
The policeman asks, “Oh yes...and just who is going to give a lecture at this time of night?”
The harrier replies, “ My wife.”
A hash house harrier saw a young woman about to jump off a bridge, so he stopped.
He walked up to her and said, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says....
While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he
asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So she does ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the harrier says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber's home number. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
A salesman is driving toward home when he sees a guy thumbing for a ride on the side of the road. As the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the hitchhiker gets in.
After a bit of small talk, the hitchhiker notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in the bag?", the hitchhiker asks the driver.
The driver says, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The hitchhiker is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade."
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through
three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like
onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds
of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in “Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and
says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.”
The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but
the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery.”
It was entertainment night at the Shady Pines old people’s home.
Claude, the hypnotist, exclaimed: “I’m here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotise
each and every member of the audience”.
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch
from his coat: “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special
watch. It’s been in my family for six generations”.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch,
watch the watch, and watch the watch...”
The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off it’s
polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it
slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
“SHIT” said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the old people’s home.
This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can
outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain.
1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY!) and while sitting at your
desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles
with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will
change direction. I told you so! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both
know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not
already done so.
Jokes for a slow day at work.
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels from stuff we buy and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3 You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed off.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
Nine Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older:
Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 6 - Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number 4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing. And being the healthiest person in the cemetary.
Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.
...and as someone recently said to me: Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.
Think you are having a bad day?
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.
A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest.
The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. But keep reading....
Still think you're having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance.. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
Still having a bad day?
Just remember, it could be worse..
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.
What? STILL having a bad day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?
As I get older I realize:
1. I talk to myself - sometimes I need expert advice.
2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
4. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down I'll remember it."
5. My people skills are just fine. It's just my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
6. When I was a child I thought nap time was a punishment. Now it's like a mini-vacation.
7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.
8. Wouldn't be great if we could all put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes: come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller?
9. "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.
It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."
The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."
Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men. He dresses up in woman's clothing & is paid to give men sexual favours."
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the schoolyard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
He blushed, started crying and said, "I'm sorry, but my dad plays rugby for England, and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
A man went into a sports shop where there was a young girl serving at the counter. "A packet of condoms please," he said.
"Pardon," asked the girl bemused.
"A packet of condoms please" replied the man. "You know, a pack of skins, something for the weekend."
"I think you've come to the wrong place sir. This is a sports shop."
"Right, I'd like to speak to your manager," he said.
The girl went to her manager and told him that there was a guy asking for condoms.
"I'll sort this out,'' he replied.
The manager approached the man. "My assistant tells me you want a packet of condoms sir?"
"Oh thank goodness you're here" replied the relieved man. "It was so embarrassing. I really wanted to buy an English rugby jersey!"
Did you hear about the ENGLISH politician who was found dead in an English Rugby jersey?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.
Why can't blondes count to 70? Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? Toes go in first!
How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant.
Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? To see what was on the other side
What is a blonde's favorite color? Glitter.
Why do blondes wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm.
What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A thought.
Why is 68 the maximum speed for blondes? Because at 69 they blow a rod.
And one for LGFM: Why does a blonde wear green lipstick? Because red means Stop.

Your love says “Lets go upstairs and make love”. And you answer “Pick one; I can’t do both”
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefooted.
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot.
An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.

Alien Sex
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do,"responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a  bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his
forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull,his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
Adam and GOD
One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
Scam against Men

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at shopping centres and in dark car parks etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Bunnings and Mitre Ten. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, university-aged girls will come over to your car or van as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Rainex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also December 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
The Warehouse has wallets on sale for $3.50 each. I found even cheaper ones for $1.50 at The $2 Shop and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Bunnings, Mitre Ten, etc.

So please, send this on to all the men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

Please take this seriously and pass on.
"iF I Had a HI-Fi" is the new single by The Palindromes.

I've just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting.
I turned off the WiFi router and simply waited in the room where it's located.

I was arrested by the Grammar Police today. I was handed a long sentence.
My wife texted me saying, "CAN YOU PICK ME UP AT WORK? X."
I texted back, "Yes, and there's no need to shout."
She replied, "Sorry, a bus was driving past."

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Kennedy Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says.
"$10! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard... he's never been out of the garden."

An Aussie & a Maori walk into a bakery. The Aussie steals three pastries and slips them into his pocket. He turns to the Maori and says “pretty slick aye bro, the owner didn't even see me”.          Unimpressed the Maori replies “typical dishonest Aussie, bro I'm gonna show you the honest way and still get the same result”. The Maori calls out the owner of the shop and says “bro I want to show you a magic trick”, intrigued the owner obliges. The Maori asked him for a pastry and he eats it. He asks for another and eats that to. And then another which he eats also. By now the owner says “c'mon mate where's the magic trick?”. The Maori replies “now check his pockets” pointing to the Aussie.
Desperate to use a payphone, a visitor to town searched high and low, and when he eventually found one, it was already occupied. Hoping that the man inside the kiosk wouldn't be long, the visitor waited impatiently outside, constantly looking at his watch.    In an attempt to convey a sense of urgency, the visitor kept staring at the man on the phone but soon noticed that he wasn't actually saying anything. As the minutes passed, the visitor kept looking, nodding and pointing to his watch, but the guy inside paid no attention and just stood there with the phone in his hand, saying nothing into the receiver.            After a quarter of an hour, the guy inside had still not said a word into the phone. Thinking that he was being deliberately obstructive and just wasting time, the visitor finally lost his cool. Opening the door of the box, he tried to snatch the phone from the other man's hand. "Do you mind!" said the guy with the phone. "I'm talking to my wife!"
Like a baby..
Sam and Louis lived in a retirement home. One day they were sitting in the lounge, and Sam turned to Louis and said, “Louis, I’m ninety years old, and I’m full of aches and pains. You’re about my age. How do you feel?”
Louis replied, “I feel just like a newborn baby.” “Really? Like a baby?” Sam asked, puzzled.
“Yes,” replied Louis, “I’ve got no hair, no teeth—and I think I just wet myself.”
Remember When..
Memory was something you lost with age,
An application was for employment,
A program was a TV show,
A cursor used profanity,
A keyboard was a piano,
A web was a spider's home,
A virus was the flu,
A CD was a bank account,
A hard drive was a long trip on the road,
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And if you had a 3-inch floppy . . . You just hoped nobody ever found out!
After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone. “I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are
you doing working so late?”
“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”
Questions Lawyers Ask
“How many times have you committed suicide?”
“Were you alone or by yourself?”
“Was it you or your brother who was killed?”
“Without saying anything, tell the jury what you did next.”
“Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”
“Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
Real Woman
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He was gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron"
A Way Of Thinking
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"
Johnny says, "None."
The teacher asks, "Why?"
Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."
The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're
Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"
The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream."
Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
An Engineer was unemployed for long time. He could not find a job. But he knew doctors always made money, so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not treated get back $1,000."
A Doctor thinks this is a good chance to scam $1,000 from the fraudster and goes into the clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is petrol!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is petrol!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily, and comes back after several more days.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become very weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Here, take this $1,000."
Doctor: "But this is only $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision  back! That will be $500."
"Excuse me, doctor - my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he?"

"ICU baby, shaking that ass"
Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The steward asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink.
He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!”
Paddy handed his drink back and said, “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!”
Paddy called Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asked, “How many people are flying with you?”
Paddy replied, “I don’t know! Its your f***ing plane!”
A Real Man

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will
never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret. He will enable her to
express her deepest emotions and give in to
her most intimate desires. He will make sure
she always feels as though she's the most
beautiful woman in the room and will enable
her to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible....

No wait...
I'm thinking of wine…
It’s wine that does all that.......

Never mind.
Fishy Jokes

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

Our fridge at work is full of food containers with names on them.  Today I had a nice little fish pie called Frank.

"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan and put his face in his hands.
He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. "Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
The AMA has weighed in on Julia Gillard’s proposed changes to Australia’s health services. The allergists voted to scratch them, but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The gastroenterologists had a sort of gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought she had a lot of nerve. The obstetricians felt she was labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the ideas short-sighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!" The psychiatrists thought the ideas were madness, while the radiologists could see right through them. The surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it. The pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter..." The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The anaesthetists thought the ideas were a gas, but the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no, while emergency physicians thought it would crash & burn
In the end, the proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in parliament!
A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says "Who is this?" "This is the maid" answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house".
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Umm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband".
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with". The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What?! There's no pool here?"
Long pause... "Uh... is this 9221-1811?"
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!!  Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked AA van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!  Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.  He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

The wife was counting all the 5 cents and 10 cents out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat
In my next life I want to live my life backwards.
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.

You work for 40 years, until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school.

You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play.
You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born.

And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila!
You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.

- Woody Allen
I can't think of a daylight savings joke. Give me an hour.
Just passed my first test at Uni! Too bad it was a pregnancy test though…
A couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation. So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of
which is a beautifully equipped nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided. "We've
employed an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT
There are then doubts expressed about the child's healthy upbringing. "Our full time nanny is
an expert in paediatric welfare and diet" they reply.
So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for...
"It doesn't really matter" they say "so long as he fits in the cannon".

I asked a sexy Chinese girl for her number.
She replied, “Sex Sex Sex, Free Sex Tonight”.
I said, “Wow!”
Then her friend said, “ She means 666-3629”.
If it walks like a duck & talks like a duck………    ……. you’d better put it back in the oven for few more minutes.
I bought a new cellphone. It’s made in Malaysia. I put it in flight mode & now I can’t find the bloody thing.
"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," my boss told me.
"Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him.
"Really?" he asked.
"No," I replied.
I just trained my dog how to fetch a beer. Now this may not sound all that impressive……                  …….but he gets them from my neighbour's fridge.                                                                    =/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=
Did you ever see the customers in a health-food store? They are pale, skinny people who look half dead. In a steak house you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying of course but they look terrific.

The Pasta Diet
I’m starting a new program, called the Pasta Diet! The Italians have been using it for centuries. Here are the few simple steps:
1)    You walka pasta da bakery.
2)    You walka pasta da candy store.
3)    You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4)    You walka pasta da table and fridge.

On a diet? Go to the paint store - you can get thinner there.

A great way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much...

A Point to Ponder ...    When a clock is hungry, does it go back four seconds?
The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"??
"But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"?
The third piggy says –
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
"Of course I won't laugh" said the Nurse to the patient "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient". "Okay then" said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and width it was almost identical to an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry" she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again.
Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen" Bob replied. She ran out of the room.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" the Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars"
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says "Astronomically speaking, It tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent".
A blonde walks into the police station looking for a job.
The officer wants to ask her a few questions....
Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I don't know.
Officer: Well, you can go home and read up about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
Hysterical Air Tower Instructions

Tower: “Delta 351 you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”

Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

Unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m fucking bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!”

Tower: Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”
Eastern 702: Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”
Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… We’ve already notified the caterers.”

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said: “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real Zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.”
Ground: Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “ Standby, Ground,  I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been here to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206: (coolly): “Yes twice in 1944, but it was dark,--And I didn’t land.”

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked “What was your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff?”

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: “American 751 make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.’

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!”

While taxiing at London’s Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming.
“US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto the Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
“God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”
“Yes Ma’am,” The humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
“Wasn’t I Married to you once?”
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"Yep," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"
Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady replied breathlessly, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

Why a Dog is Man’s Best Friend

A dog’s parents will never visit you
A dog loves you leaving your clothes on the floor
A dog limit’s time in the Bathroom to a quick drink
A dog never expects you to telephone
A dog will not get mad if you forget it’s birthday
A dog does not care about previous Dogs in your life
A dog does not get mad if you pet another dog
A dog never expects flowers
The later you are the happier a dog is to see you
A dog does not shop

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
“Nice bike,” the cop said. “Did Santa bring it to you?” “Yes Sir,” the little girl said, “he sure did!”
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, “Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!”
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, “Nice horse you’ve got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?”
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, “Yes, he sure did!”
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, “Next year tell Santa; the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top”.
80-year old Bessie bursts into the recreation room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!”
At the rear of the room an elderly gentleman, shouts out, “An elephant!”
Bessie thinks a minute and says, “Close enough.”
Scottish Wedding
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled....
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death..

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

Just got scammed out of $25; Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?"
"For gosh sake, if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

Give a man a fish, and he can eat for a day.
But teach a man to fish, and he will bore you to death with fishing stories for a lifetime.
Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits. Men are like that, you know.
And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Q. What do you call an Aussie with a bottle of champagne?
A. A waiter.
Q. What do you call a world-class Australian cricketer?
A. Retired.
Q. What do you call an Australian who can hold a catch?
A. A fisherman.
Q. Why can no one drink wine in Australia at the moment?
A. They haven't got any openers.
Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
Q. What does an Australian batting in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A. They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
Q. What's the height of optimism?
A. An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.
Q. What's the difference between Michael Clarke and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.
Old Fart jokes:
An elderly couple was attending church services.  About halfway through the service, she leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart.  What do you think I should do?"  He replies, put a new battery in your hearing aid."

A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from Satan: if they can stump him, they'll be set free, and be able to go to Heaven. The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question, to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a laptop, goes online, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well, but the Devil instantly gets the answer by using his laptop. When it comes down to the blonde, she pulls up a chair, drills three holes in it, sits down and farts. "Now," she says, "Which hole did the fart come out of?"
"That's easy," says Satan, "All three!"
"No!" The blonde replies, "It came out of my butthole!"

A midwife is walking past the hospital staffroom, when she hears two African doctors talking, "I'm telling you it's wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first.
"No. It's woombaa: W-O-O-M-B-A-A," says the second.
"No, no, no. Wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first again.
At this the nurse pops her head through the door, "I think you'll find, gentlemen, it's WOMB: W-O-M-B."
The two doctors look blankly at her, until one of them says, "Madam. I doubt if you've ever even SEEN a water buffalo, let alone heard one fart in a mudpool."

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old man would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his wife's annoyance. "You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to her husband's arse. While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream. Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Julia Gillard and her being our prime minister. The old farmer said, "Well ya know, Julia is just a Post Turtle". Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked "What's a Post Turtle?" The old farmer said "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Turtle balanced on top, that's a post Turtle". The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she's up there, she sure as hell isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb bastard put her up there in the first place".
Julia Gillard goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and she asks him his name. "Stanley" responds the little boy. "And what is your question, Stanley?" "I have 4 questions: Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn't vote for it? Second, why are you Prime minister when the Liberal Party got more votes? Third, weren't you a communist at university? Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you said you're a lesbian?" Just then, the bell rings for recess. Julia informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Julia says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right - question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. Julia points him out and asks him his name. "Steve" he responds. "And what is your question, Steve?" "Actually, I have 6 questions. Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn't vote for it? Why are you Prime minister when Tony Abbott got more votes? Third, weren't you a communist at university? Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you are obviously a lesbian? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And sixth, what the f…..k happened to Stanley?"
An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger said "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die". So he took the first parachute and left the plane. The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said "I'm the Prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die". She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, John Kerry, said "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America". So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped. The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute". The little girl said "That's okay, Mr President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia's smartest woman took my schoolbag".
After bumping into David Attenborough earlier, I had to concede my wife was right.
The back garden grass really does need cutting.
An Aussies and a Kiwi go to a pastry shop. The Aussie whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.
The Aussie says to the Kiwi "You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"
The Kiwi says to the Aussie "You Aussies are still criminals, watch this."
He says to the baker "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie, which the Kiwi promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker "Give me another cookie for my magic trick".
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again "Okay one more cookie, mate!"
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Kiwi eats that one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells "And where is your famous magic trick?"
The Kiwi says "Look in this Aussie’s pocket!"
Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?''
''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.''

A woman accompanied her elderly husband to the doctor's office.After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores.Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.  No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
“He said you're going to die," she replied.

Senior citizens are riddled with AIDS! ...hearing aids, Band-Aids, Rolaids, walking aids, government aid. THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST.

Two elderly folks in a nursing home wanted to get married. Their doctor took each one into his office separately to try and talk them out of it.
He called in the woman and told her that the man had already suffered two heart attacks.
She told the doctor that she didn't care.
The doctor called in the man and told him the woman was suffering from acute angina.
"I know!" he said. "I peeked."
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

A husband says to his wife, "You know, our son got his brain from me." The wife replies, "I think he did. I still got mine with me!"

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my wife. They said "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered "Yes!"
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident".
I said "I know but she has a lovely personality"...
A Psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions" he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy".
He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank".
He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat "Whisky".
He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne and Poppy".
At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Fanny and Willy and go home".
Geriatrics' Favourite Things

I suggest we singalong it together at the next circle!

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillac's and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak, when the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things...
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Important health information

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc

Sauvignon Blanc the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon Blanc almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Sauvignon Blanc may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing
or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.


The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Now. Just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz.
During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers".
Inspired by the story, the doctor said "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," I replied "I'm just a shit golfer".
The Banana Test

Don't scroll past the animals until you have decided upon your answer.
Good Luck!

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,

A Lion , A Chimp , A Giraffe ,
A Squirrel

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully . . .....

Try and answer within 30 seconds. Got your answer?

Now scroll down to see the analysis.


If your answer is:

Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're dense.
Giraffe = you're a complete moron.
Squirrel = you're hopeless.


Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax

“Lance Armstrong has denied ever using drugs, but he has admitted pedalling.”
“I can’t believe they’ve stripped Lance Armstrong of his titles – you try riding a bike on drugs!”
“What is the secret of Lance Armstrong’s success? He always stays positive.”
“Apparently, Oprah asked Lance Armstrong if he’d do a blood test on the show. Armstrong said he’d be happy too but he’d left most of his blood at home.”
I think the world is being extremely unfair to Lance Armstrong.... Bob Marley doped his whole career and no-one said anything.
Q: What is the most positive thing you can say about Lance Armstrong?  A: Probably his blood
Lance Armstrong: "The accusations make my blood boil ..    . . but luckily I've someone else's in my fridge."
Why didn't Lance fight back at USADA to prove his innocence?    I guess he just didn't have the balls.
I reckon Lance Armstrong misread what he was taking; he thought he was taking addabollock steroids.
In the end Lance Armstrong stopped trying to defend himself. He just took his ball and went home.
2 months ago, Lance Armstrong had 7 more Tour De France's than me. This has been quite a comeback from me.
I'm always getting down on myself as I feel I haven't accomplished anything in life. Then I realised, I have as many Tour De France wins as Lance Armstrong!
Christmas Season Drinking & Driving - A Warning.

Be careful during the holiday parties.

I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.

An article from The Times (London) written by Jeremy Clarkson a very well known British journalist.

Be careful of the lucky country, it has teeth ...
Surely, after 20 days of trial by fire, even Australians must now realise that God never really intended this enormous tinderbox to be used for human habitation. Plainly it was created as a giant dustbin, a place far from civilisation where all His failed experiments could be left to their own terrifying devices.
"Oh no," said God on the fourth day, "I've gone and made a spider which can kill a man just by looking at him. I need somewhere to put it."
So on the fifth day He created Australia. This then became home for all the horrid snakes and the bitey crocodiles and the baby-eating dingoes. And to make sure that man stayed away. He made the land itself completely infertile and filled the sea around its shores with deadly sharks and killer jellyfish. He even built an enormous barrier reef. Frankly, He did everything possible to ensure that humans never went there, short of putting up a sign saying "Trespassers will be eaten".
Nobody knows what drew the Aborigines but we do know that the first white man to sail this way was the world's most useless explorer, a Dutchman called Abel Tasman. In a three-year voyage he found Fiji, New Zealand and Tasmania, but in one of the most inept pieces of navigation ever he completely missed the big bit in the middle. That was discovered by Captain James Cook who stepped off his ship, sniffed the air and declared, "Yes. This would make a fantastic prison."
He was right, of course. For millions of years Australia had harboured all the world's dangerous animals so why not use it as a Waste Disposal unit for dangerous people? And even when the transportation of convicts stopped, it was still a good place for people who couldn't get on anywhere else.
Think about it. Nobody ever went to live in Australia because of the success they'd made of things at home. "I have thousands of friends, endless party invitations, a wonderful, happy family, a great job and even better prospects. So I'm off."
All Australians are descended from Billy No Mates. You'd expect them to have some sympathy with the refugees from central Asia. But no. They've turned their former prison into a fortress and the doors are now firmly closed. Australians stand on their porches with flames licking at their back door, telling us that life over there is peachy. "It's always warm enough for a barbecue," they say. Never mind that the most recent barbie was so enormous and so hot that it had to be extinguished by a fleet of helicopters.  They're even using the wildlife as a scare campaign, telling the world what we already know: that the 10 most deadly snakes found anywhere in the world are all Australian.
They run PR campaigns throughout Asia, showing pictures of boats used by refugees marooned on beaches with big fat crocodiles lolling nearby. However, the reception from the indigenous wildlife is as nothing compared to the reception you'll get from the locals. It's bad enough for a British person who's only there on holiday. Every time you walk into a pub, you get the same reaction. "Backs to the wall everyone. There's a Pom in the bar," followed by: "Hide your wallet under the soap. He won't find it there."
Not desperately imaginative but then what do you expect from a people who named a blue spotted ray that lives in lagoons "the blue spotted lagoon ray", or a range of mountains with snow on them "the Snowy Mountains". And that's before we get to "the Great Barrier Reef".  Anyway, if we have a hard time, imagine what it's like for Abdul. In a recent poll, 96% of Australians said they wanted the refugees out, dead, buried, eaten, anything.
Last summer an advertisement appeared in one of the newspapers there asking people with a military background to join vigilante-style patrols. Refugees who get caught by the proper authorities are sent to a fantastically remote detention centre near Woomera, where the British did their atomic tests in the 1950s. They can get out easily but it's an 18-day walk to the nearest telephone box and that's doubly hard when you've grown two heads. So what sort of volume are we talking about here? Well, last year the number of people who arrived in Australia illegally from the usual refugee hot spots was 4,500. That works out at one for every 666 square miles. You could put the downtrodden masses from all over the world in the Northern Territories and not even know they were there.
Australia says that it took in thousands of Vietnamese and Cambodian boat people in the 1970s and 1980s, along with most of Britain's displaced trade union leaders who were no longer welcome at No10 for tea and buns. It won't now fulfil the legal and moral obligations of other nations. Well, Europe has a falling birthrate and can take a few refugees.
The Americans are dropping food parcels on their heads. Africa is hopeless and Asia is the problem, which leaves either Antarctica, which seems a bit antisocial, or the very place that was specifically designed to be home for misfits: Australia.
Q. How will Obama ensure that men and women have equal earnings?
A. Unemployment.

Q: Did you hear about Obama's plan to end unemployment?
A: He's gonna expand the NBA to 32,000 teams!

Q: Why is the Obama economy a system of checks and balances?
A: He writes the checks, you pay the balances.

Q: What is the best argument against democracy?
A: A chat with an Obama voter.

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

Q. What's the difference between Obama opponents and Obama supporters?
A. The first group works for a living while the second group votes for a living.

Q. What was the most positive result of the “Cash for Clunkers” program?
A. It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.

Romney vowed to donate his salary to charity if he won. When Obama won, he vowed to donate yours.

Obama's Greatest Achievements

Takes a lot less time to pump $20 worth of gas
Jimmy Carter now seems like a great President
Keeping America's unemployment offices very busy
More people familiar with the food stamp program
Protecting entitlements for sock puppets

Modern American Currency

One dollar bill: George Washington
Five dollar bill: Abraham Lincoln
Ten dollar bill: Alexander Hamilton
Twenty dollar bill: Andrew Jackson
Fifty dollar bill: Ulysses S. Grant
One hundred dollar bill: Benjamin Franklin
Food Stamps: Barack Obama

Obama was leaving the country club golf course when he was accosted by an armed robber who
demanded, "Give me all of your money!"
Barack haughtily replied, "Do you know who I am. I'm the President of the United States!"
The robber snarled back, "Then give me all MY money."
"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"
Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.
A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course. A groundskeeper shouts: "Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!"
The golfer replies "My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English!?"
The keeper replies "I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!"
I'm so distraught about Betty Ford dying, I need a drink.

Prince William and Kate Middleton have visited King Edward Island in Canada today.... or to William, Gay Uncle Island!

I accidentally stabbed myself with a red pen. I can't figure out whether I'm bleeding or not.

When people ask me what I do, I say I'm an empty bottle collector.
Sounds so much better than 'alcoholic'.

Imagine the catastrophic events that would occur if we had blonde Asian women drivers.

I think you have to be brave to go to weightwatchers, you have to have a lot of guts.

My wife asked me to get her her favorite flower, as we had guests coming over.
Self-raising wasn't what she meant.

I was depressed last night so I called the Samaritans, they've got a call centre in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

A girl walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one...

I can never remember the ending of sayings. Oh well, easy come.....

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, then eat regularly for two days, then skip a day ... and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!
"That's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded ... "I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I taut I were going to drop dead on that tird day."
"You mean from hunger?" asked the doctor.
"No, from the bloody skippin!

An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.

It is believed to be so offensive that St Peter's church in Shrewsbury have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy Green from Margate has written in to Points Of View.

When will the madness end
Two Business Men

Two businessmen in the centre of Northland were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop. As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some geriatric is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, “Must be doing well... Only two left."

Some old jokes for Geriatrics:

New Wine for Seniors
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as PINO MORE

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,
'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.'
Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket. They heard a faint moan. They opened the casket and found that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.'

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'
She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.'
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time ..... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'


Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Spelling is important. Example:
New Zealand has just won gold.
Australia has just one gold.

What does Australia have in common with Picton?
1 gold medal each

To commemorate the Olympic Games the Australian Government have decided to change the name of the beach south of Brisbane to the Silver Coast.

I see the Aussies aren't doing very well in the Olympics,
But then if they could run, they wouldn't have been Australians in the first place.

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London.
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "Mc. Tavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus," and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland," he says, "Fencing."
Dialled a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you're one of the changes."
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when your wife is pregnant, Tension is when your girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.
Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she had missed one. My mom fainted, dad had a heart attack & our driver ran away.
A women asks a man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference
between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied
The local charity organisation realised that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful accountant. So a representative paid the accountant a visit in his lavish office.

The rep opened the meeting by saying "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through our charity?"

The accountant thinks for a minute and says "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles "Uh... no, I didn't know that". "Secondly" says the accountant "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one who is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated rep, completely beaten says "I'm so sorry, I had no idea".

And the accountant says "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what the f*#k makes you think I'd give any to you?"
Dying Wish

Patrick and Sean, two Irishmen, grew up together and were lifelong friends. But Patrick developed cancer and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy: "Sean, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye."
Sean walked to his friend's bedside and kneeled beside him.
"Seany, ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."
Sean burst into tears: "Anything, Patrick. Anything ye wish."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones, and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
Sean was overcome with emotion, and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked: "Aye, 'tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, Patrick, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

The Wife’s Better

Jake and his buddy Fred visit a brothel. Jake goes into the room with the prostitute first while Fred waits outside.When he's done, Jake closes the door behind him and says: "Don't waste your time. My wife's better."
But Fred goes in anyway. When he emerges 15 minutes later, he shakes his head in disappointment and says:
"Damn, Jake, you were right. Your wife is better."

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't    wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
"Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
1.          Two blondes walk into a building'd think at least one of them could have seen it.

2.          Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3.          A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4.          I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.

5.          My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6.          A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.

7.          I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

8.          Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9.          Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.  Police say that he topped himself.

10.      Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

11.      Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.  Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
My wife was furious with me the other day.
I put a stick in a non-stick pan.
The 11th Husband

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

"Husband 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...

"Husband 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"

This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."
My wife just called me.
She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous."
I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

Valentines day is just a massive hassle:

1. Remember to text my girlfriend a big lovey dovey message at the start of the day.
2. Remember to buy her a card in my lunch break.
3. Buy her some more crap in the rush hour after work before I meet her.
4. Take her to a fancy restaurant and pay for a pointlessly expensive meal.
5. Take her back to her place and give her some gentle, passionate love when all I want to do is excessively shag her.

And I have to do all this then drive home without my wife finding out.

Here are a couple – oldies but goodies, just like all of us!

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out for volunteers.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street." To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

And No.2:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
A man and his wife are having sex. Fifteen minutes has passed, thirty minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat is pouring off both of them. After a few more moments, the wife comments...
"Can't you think of anyone either?"
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum  velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken."
Two guys are drinking in a  bar.  One says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"BUGGER !" says his friend. "And I just joined Rotary....."
Every Christmas I'd come running downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as I could. Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys but we would all make up later and sit down to have a three hour lunch before watching TV for the rest of the day.

I really miss working at the Post Office sorting room.
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side".
The vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.  "You are truly a wise Vet" they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland..."
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people".
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: "I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived" said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession".

Moral: never, never, ever be late!
Franchise Opportunity

A mate has just started his own business.
He manufactures land-mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof.

What does your dad do?

Edward was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what there fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc. But Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

'My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.'

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Edward aside to ask him if that was really true.

'No' said Edward, 'He plays rugby for Australia, but I was just too embarrassed to say.'

Fitness myths - I think there's something in this for all of us!!!

The following was sent to me over the weekend by an expert in the area. It certainly fits in with my life style. How about yours?

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?
A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.
Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.


I used to go out with a Welsh girl that had 36DD's.
It was a ridiculously long name.

My large and impressive research staff found that the average hasher runs/walks about 900 miles per year. A separate study found that hashers drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That conclusively means, on average, hashers get about 41 miles per gallon!!!
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills.
Worse:  Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse:  You’re in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad:  He’s a crossdresser.
Worse:  He looks better than you.

Good: Your son’s finally maturing.
Bad:  He’s involved with the woman next door.
Worse:  So are you.

Good:  You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad:  She keeps interrupting.
Worse:  With corrections.

Good:  Your wife’s not talking to you.
Bad:  She wants a divorce.
Worse:  She’s a lawyer.

Good:  The postman’s early.
Bad:  He’s wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47.
Worse:  You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good:  You came home for a quickie
Bad:  The postman had the same idea.
Worse:  You have to wait.
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "Where were You?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "Look son, look what I've made".
He replied, "It's a planet and I've put LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there is a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of white people in the north and another one of black people in the south."
The archangel then said, "And what's that long white line there?"
And God said "Ah - that is New Zealand - the land of the long white cloud and that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast-line. These people here are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving. And I'm going to give them this superhuman, undefeatable Rugby team, which will be blessed with the most talented, and charismatic specimens on the planet, and will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance."
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the irritating loud-mouthed w**kers I'm putting in the country next to them."
The Pride of the South...??

The presidents of Fosters, Tooheys, XXXX and Speights were at an international beer conference.
They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.
The president of Fosters says without hesitation......."I'll have a Fosters Lager."
The president of Tooheys smiles and says......"I'll have a Tooheys New, brewed from pure mountain water"
The guy from XXXX proudly says,........"I'll have a XXXX, the King of Beers!".
The kiwi from Speights glances at his lunch mates and says,........."I'll have a juice."
The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head. He just shrugs and says,
"If you guys aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband - "It's three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "NO, I didn't, it's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"
"Well, you've got a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark: "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing" the drunk replies.

Last week, she checked into a motel and was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages".                                                    She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself 'Tender Tony' - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled bum. you get the picture. She figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"... Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait... I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips - everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, baby. Now how does that sound?"                                                          He says, "That sounds absolutely fantastic but you need to press 9 for an outside line".                                                                              =/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=


Seven Auckland bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:

Drink:              Beer
Personality:      Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink:              Blender Drinks with umbrella.
Personality:      Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink:              Mixed Drinks – no umbrella.
Personality:      Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.

Drink:              Wine – (bottled, not 4 litre cask)
Personality:      Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

Drink:              Pre Mixed Drinks (Bacardi Breezer etc)
Personality:      Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is ... and you’re in.

Drink:              Shots
Personality:    Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

Then there is the male addendum ... The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.

Cheap Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Premium Domestic Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid.

Wine:              He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whisky:          He doesn't give two shits about anything but getting laid.

Tequila:            Piss off, all you w**kers, I'm gonna go shag something with a pulse.

Bacardi Breezers: He's Gay                                                                                                                                                                                      =/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=


Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. It is advised that if you are male between the ages of 18 and 85 you may need to seek medical assistance to assess your beer consumption.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Gained weight.
2) Talked excessively without making sense.
3) Became overly emotional.
4) Couldn't drive.
5) Failed to think rationally.
6) Argued over nothing.
7) Had to sit down while urinating.
8) Refused to apologise when obviously wrong.

The research team felt the data was conclusive and no further testing is planned.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."


Stage #1 -- Smart
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are also always right. And of course the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are "smart". Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but are convinced that they are a complete authority on the subject makes for great entertainment for those get the opportunity to listen in.

Stage #2 -- Handsome/Pretty
This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been admiring you the whole evening. You are the centre of attention, and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects under the sun.

Stage #3 -- Rich
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely have an armoured truck full of your money parked behind bar. You can also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still know all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the face of the earth.

Stage #4 -- Bulletproof
You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no worry about losing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might erupt if he loses.

Stage #5  -- Invisible
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance on a table, to impress the people who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of it because they can't see you. All your social inhibitions are gone. You can do anything, because no one will know. And you certainly won't remember.